You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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