Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
i now understand why vodka
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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