Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
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She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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