He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
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Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
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If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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