Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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