I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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