I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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