I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
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we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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