I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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