You tried to poop in the sink last night.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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