I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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