You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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