and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
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I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
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Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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