I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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