it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize