So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
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I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The air was thick with penises
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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