Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize