seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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