I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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