I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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