I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
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Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The uberlube is also flammable
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Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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