So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
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Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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