shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
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You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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