Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
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Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
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Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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