I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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