Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
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He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
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Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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