So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
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20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
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His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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