Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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