headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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