Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
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It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
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You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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