So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
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I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
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Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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