Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
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found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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