someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
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It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
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