Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
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There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
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theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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