Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
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I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
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Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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