Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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