I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
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The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
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i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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