The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
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Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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