Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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