I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize