There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
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hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
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I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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