yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
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The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
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I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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