mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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