It's Friday. Sex?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
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you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
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What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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