I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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