I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
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At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
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He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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