All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
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You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
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I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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