It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
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My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
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The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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