so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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