I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
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He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
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Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I have already put on my inside pants.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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